


Black Butterflies

by AzureSynergy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Exhaustion, Illnesses, M/M, Overprotective Armin Arlert, Overprotective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Overprotective Mikasa Ackerman, Overworked, Post-War, Protectiveness, Terminal Illnesses, Titans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 07:40:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17442722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AzureSynergy/pseuds/AzureSynergy
Summary: Eren carried the weight of his illness on  his shoulders for so long. Luckily he has the best support system in the world.





	Black Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in one day, I did not proof-read. If there are mistakes... I don't care because I'm lazy and I'm not going to fix them anyway, lol. But I hope you enjoy. If anyone wants to Beta this, go ahead and chat me up, I won't protest, I'm just not going to do it myself. 
> 
> X.X

Eren didn’t become ill overnight. It was a subtle sickness that crept up over the months, starting with the first time he agreed to help Hanji with her experiments. It built up. He overworked himself. His exhaustion grew. He overused his titan abilities. Hanji chalked his emaciated titan forms up to having being forced to transform five times in a row until exhaustion seized. By the time the signs became more explicit, it was already too late to do a thing.

XXX

Eren, Mikasa and Armin sat in a compact row on the bench across from Jean, Sasha and Connie. With Eren in the middle and his friends winging him, he felt content despite feeling warmer than usual today. The small mess hall was crowded with soldiers and new recruits – the noise of optimistic chatter filling up the sparse space between heads bent over tables and bodies pressed in close. 

Eren glued his eyes on the soup while he traced mindless rivers in the creamy depths. He listened with half an ear as Connie droned on.

“Eren,” Mikasa piped up from his right.

He looked up. Their eyes met. Mikasa looked concerned, but that wasn’t something new.

“You should eat your soup.” 

Eren felt Armin’s eyes on the back of his head, no doubt he was throwing concerned looks at him as well.  
“I’m not that hungry.” He lied and let his spoon lean over the lip of his bowl as he turned his eyes back down to his soup. Eren kept his eyes there and hoped Mikasa would drop it, he really wasn’t in the mood to deal with her hovering.

“Eren,” She began softly. Without looking up he knew her eyes crinkled at the corners the same way his mother’s did when she disapproved of something he did or said. He cringed internally. Why did he have to go and bring out her concern like that? Eren felt bad for putting unnecessary stress on her.

Without a word he quickly picked up the small ration of bread, broke a piece off and stuffed it in his mouth. Eren felt his stomach lurch in protest, but forced the dry morsel down his throat. It was worth it when he felt Mikasa’s shoulder relax from where it was pressed against him. He also felt a sense of accomplishment when he looked over and saw Armin give him a dazzling smile.

He hadn’t realized the conversation had come to a halt until he met eyes with Connie. He, Jean and Sasha were staring at him; mixed expressions. Connie looked amazed, Jean pulled his ugly horseface into some weird form of pleased-displeasure and Sasha… well, she just stared. 

Eren felt the exact moment when Armin moved his leg under the table to kick Connie in the shin. It was funny to see the flash of shock pass over Connie’s face before he continued where he left off.

“- And that was when Commander Erwin came into the storeroom to find me and Sasha halfway busy stuffing the dried meat under our jackets.”

“You expect us to believe that? Sure the part about Sasha stuffing her pockets full of food sounds believable, but with ears like yours you would’ve heard those pair of eyebrows stomping their way over, from a mile away.” Jean challenged and lifted his mug, knocking back a big gulp before Connie could retaliate. 

Sasha looked undignified for being called out. Connie opened his mouth (no doubt to defend the truth of his lie), but Mikasa cut him off with her quiet, but powerful comment. 

“Connie could probably not have heard Erwin coming over the sound of Sasha passing some gas.”

The effect was instantaneous. Jean and Armin burst out in peals of laughter. Even Eren cracked a small smile. It was over his friends’ laughter and the chatter in the mess hall that he heard laughter coming from the table across from them. He looked over and saw a table filled with Hanji, Erwin, Pixis, Mike, Oluo and Levi. Pixis and Hanji were openly laughing whereas Erwin covered his upturned lip with his hand and Mike just chuckled while shaking his head. Oluo was nodding, amusement dancing in his eyes and Levi…

Levi was staring right back at him with an unreadable expression.

Eren was sure he was blushing from the Captain’s intense gaze, but with the heat already coursing through his body, he wasn’t entirely sure. He felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of his head, sliding all the way from the side of his temple right down into the collar of his shirt. 

With those sharp eyes trained on him, Eren was reluctant to tear his gaze back to the table where Connie made mollified noises and Sasha ones that sounded close to a dying pigeon. He almost did, but then he saw the slightest uplift of Levi’s lips and Eren knew for a fact that he was blushing now. 

It took him less than a second to fling his gaze back to his soup. 

The spoon was still sleeping against the rim and the food had gone cold, but he would much rather stare at the white creamer than have Levi looking at his flush. It was probably in vain, the Captain probably saw his body’s betrayal before he could remove his gaze. It was just embarrassing to know that Levi knew how much his small smiles affected him. Small smiled that only he had the pleasure to see.

Eren wondered what he did to deserve this pleasure.

He smiled and broke another piece of bread before placing it in his mouth. It was bigger than the piece he had earlier. He chewed slowly and swallowed without having a complaint come from his stomach. All the while thinking of the way Levi looked at him with those striking eyes.

 

XXX

 

Eren woke up too early that morning, covered in sweat and filled with heat that refused to go away. It was depressingly dark outside and he couldn’t hear a single bird chirping. He swung his legs over the side of his cot and padded out of the bunks, careful to be as silent as possible so he wouldn’t wake Armin who was still fast asleep on the bunk above his.

Dressed in his white night-shirt and casual pants he made his way over to the stables. The horses always made work for them and although it was boring, he wouldn’t mind having something to do while waiting for the others to wake up. There was no way he would be able to go back to sleep anyway.

Once there he carted the wooden dram, along with a shovel, over to the first stall. It didn’t take long for him to light a lantern and hang it on the hook situated in the post next to the stall. He started mucking out the horses’ droppings. 

Eren was halfway through the long hall of the stable when he heard the soft murmurings of a familiar voice. He left the shovel leaning against the dram and followed the undertones. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, breathing heavily. With careful movements so as not to draw attention to himself he peered over the door of the stall where the voice came from. 

It took his eyes a moment or two to adjust to the shadows engulfing the small space, but when they did, he felt pleasantly surprised to find Levi sitting on a small stool, back to the door, with a brush in hand, smoothing the bristles over the black stallion’s flank. 

“- suppose you wouldn’t mind me giving you some extra oats. After you did so well with our last mission I wouldn’t be opposed to giving you a treat. Any other horse would have turned tail and ran into the sunset and never come back, but not you. No, you ran straight at that ugly shit and gave me the perfect angle to take it down. Such a brave boy.”

Hearing Levi whispering such gentle praise to his stallion was startling, but not unwelcome. Eren sat down with his back against the door and continued listening to the soft side of his Captain that he never knew existed. It wasn’t long before the drone of Levi’s voice lulled Eren to sleep, sweat still slicking his face and sucking his hair to his scalp. The combination of his already exhausted body, along with his early morning work and Levi’s calming voice had him out like a candle in the wind.

When he opened his eyes again he was in his cot, blanket pulled up to his chin without the stickiness of sweat clinging to his skin.

 

XXX

 

They had a day off.

It was one of those rare moments when there was tranquility everywhere. The atmosphere felt safe, like there weren’t Titans lurking right beyond those walls. Like the Military Police wasn’t scheming against them. Like the royals were content with what was going on. Like the people were actually happy and not throwing up pretenses just to get by another day.

Eren felt calm.

He was content with following behind Jean and Sasha as they both spoke with each other about how nice the weather was. He wasn’t irritated by the fact that Mikasa and Armin were hovering around him like hummingbirds before going for the flower. He enjoyed the warmth of the sun on his skin. Loved how the wind carded its fingers through his freshly washed hair. Tolerated the pebble pricking at his foot where it had snuck its way into his boot.

He was happy.

The sunlight sifted through the canopy and threw broken shade over them as they made their way leisurely through the unbothered trees, that stood taller than a Titan, down to the stream. Eren found himself looking around at the assortment of foliage. He remembered when they were younger how Armin had snuck one of his Grandpa’s books about trees and plants. He wondered why he couldn’t have been bothered, back then, to learn all the names and different species of Flora when he stood here in amazement looking at the beauty all around him. 

He was struck then with an intense desire to rid the world of Titans so everyone would one day be able to go beyond the walls and discover all the secrets hidden beneath years and years of government-inspired conspiracy. So people would have the choice to learn every name of every tree.

“What are you thinking?” Armin asked as he sidled up to him. He was wearing casual clothes that brought out his bright blue eyes and complimented his hair.

Eren took a moment to gather his thoughts and regain his breath before answering; “This place is so awe-inspiring. I want everyone to be able to see this.” His voice was softer than was usual for him, but the fire was still simmering below his words: a determination to kill every last titan. 

Armin gave a small smile and nodded, blue eyes looking straight into his thoughts. “I know what you mean. It’s unfair that all of this is being kept away from so many people.” Overhead a Trogon flew from one branch to another with a musical call, trilling up its throat. 

They all stopped to watch the dancing colours of the bird’s feathers. 

Eren took the reprieve to heave in large gulps of air as silently as possible. No one else was out of breath. Maybe he’s just becoming unfit? It’s not like he has as much training time as his friends, what with him always helping Hanji with her experiments. He should go for a run sometime to get back into shape.

The moment was broken when the Trogon disappeared with a flutter of colour back into the dense cover of leaves. And they kept walking. The buzzing of insects brought noise to the otherwise peaceful forest path they cut to get to the stream.

It only took a few more moments before they got there and Eren breathed a sigh of relief as he sat down on a rock next to the water. He chucked his boots off and scratched the tiny pebble out from between his toes and flicked it into the water. He took off his socks and dipped his sweat drenched feet into the water. His shoulders unwound as the cold took away the uncomfortable heat that had been building up there.

Eren closed his eyes and bathed in the sun streak that zapped its way through the leaves and onto the water – casting golden threads onto the water. He enjoyed himself for all but one minute before Jean opened his horse mouth. 

“Pee-yew, Yeager! You should have left your boots on! One more minute of this smell and birds are going to start dropping out of the sky.” Jean made it worse by clamping his nose and fanning the air around him melodramatically.

Even though the walk over here had sucked all the energy out of him, he still wasn’t going to allow Horseface to get away with that.

“Oh yeah? And here I thought they died because of your breath smelling so bad from all the shit you’re spewing.” He took his sweet time turning his head around with a shit-eating-grin on his face. His comeback was worth the energy to see Jean’s face grow boiling red with indignance. Behind him Sasha had her hand over her mouth to cover her laughter, her face red for an entirely different reason. 

“I think you’re mistaking my breath with your upper lip, Yeager!”

“Is that what your mother always told you, huh, Jean-boy?!”

“Will you just forget that?!”

“NEVER!”

Eren wasn’t expecting Jean to rush over and pull him to his feet by his collar. It had been a while since their arguments resulted in a fistfight. Jean threw the first punch. It landed square on his jaw and sent him staggering to steps back when he released his shirt. Eren growled and retaliated, throwing a solid hit at Jean’s stomach. Kirstein huffed for air and spit flew from his mouth. 

It didn’t end there.

Jean shot forward and tackled him to the ground. Eren grabbed him around his shoulders, his legs coming up to hold Jean in place, almost reminiscent of the way he had pinned the armored titan all that time ago. In a countermove, Jean rolled the both of them into the stream. Water rushed in around them and quickly flooded into Eren’s ears and nose. 

He let go of Jean so he could pop his head above water. 

With the assault of fresh air came the cold sting of water and wind. Eren hadn’t realized how warm he felt until the water cooled him down. It felt like he was breathing properly for the first time that day. His eyes widened. Jean popped up next to him with a grand gasp for breath and floundering that sent water everywhere.

When Eren looked over at him he couldn’t help the laughter that burst out. He grabbed his stomach as his muscles tightened from the strain as he huffed out between laughs: “You look like a drowned horse.”

For a moment it looked like Jean would say something inflammatory, but instead he huffed – crossing his arms – and gave a small smile. “And you look like plucked Moederkapie with that mane of hair of yours hanging all over your face.”

Eren stopped laughing and scrunched his nose. “A what?” 

Jean blushed and looked away. “It’s a flower, you dumb suicidal maniac.”

Eren gave another shit-eating grin. “Awww, Jean-boy, I didn’t know you had an intrest in flowers.” He saw Jean becoming even redder, the blush pinching at his ears. He felt vindictive satisfaction for making horseface feel this embarrassed.

“I don’t, okay! It’s just… m-my mom, she – uuh – planted them outside the house, okay? That’s all reason I know.” It sounded like a half-assed excuse to take some of the attention off of him, but Eren accepted it nonetheless. He was too pooped after their scuffle to care anyway.

He got up and carefully treaded over the slippery stones in the stream until he reached his rock where he sat down again. 

They spent the rest of the day there next to the stream until the sun started to set. The whole time Eren watched as Armin braved going into the deeper part of the stream, Mikasa not far away. And how Sasha and Jean basked in each other’s company. 

It was a good day.

 

XXX

 

Hanji, Levi and Eren were standing on top of the wall, looking down at the latest titan-killing-method he’d made with his titan-hardening ability. Watching a titan being killed so easily without any casualties was like having the breath taken right out of his lungs. They finally did it. They had something to kill titans with, without having to put any lives at risk.

He fell to his knees, all too aware of Levi’s eyes watching him like a hawk. 

And that’s when he felt it.

It was the first time it happened, so he wasn’t sure what was happening. There was a sharp pain in his skull, like he was being stabbed right between his eyes, and then his nose started dripping. He sniffed, thinking it was just some fluid, but he had to keep sniffing until he tasted copped in the back on his throat.

A single drop dripped down and landed on his white uniform.

Red  
Red  
Red

A single drop of blood, and then there was more. No amount of sniffing could keep it away. Eren lifted shaking hands to keep the blood off his clothes, but his hands weren’t enough. Until a white handkerchief was held in front of his face. He looked up. Piercing blue-grey steel stared at him with well concealed concern.

Eren took the cloth and used it to stem the flow. To his right he heard the half-concern-half-remorseful cry from Hanji. He didn’t know why remorse was in the mix with Hanji’s cry of ‘Eren…’; he just popped a vessel due to the heat and the altitude. They wall was high off the ground, after all.

With the celebration thoroughly ruined with the slight scare Eren gave them, they made their way down the wall and back to base. Once in his room he changed his stained clothes for something more casual. Tonight they were having a party before moving out tomorrow on their mission to retake Wall Maria. 

He was busy doing the last button on his pants when Mikasa unceremoniously stormed through his door, Armin hot on her heels, and grabbed him by the shoulders. “We heard what happened from Hanji. Eren, are you okay? Why didn’t you tell the Captain you were feeling unwell? You’re supposed to rest after your sessions with the Section Commander. I knew I should have insisted on coming along. Why are you dressed like this? You’re not going out tonight! You need to rest. I’ll bring food back for you.”

Eren blinked and threw a wide-eyed look over at Armin.

Armin didn’t seem bothered at all by the endless flow of words. Eren could see in those expressive blue eyes that he shared the same sentiment as Mikasa. The traitor. Where’s the camaraderie in ‘misters before sisters’?

“I’m fine ‘Kasa, it wasn’t anything serious anyway, just your average nosebleed.” The look she leveled at him made Eren feel guilty for not telling her about the sharp headache before his nose started bleeding. But he knew if he told her that, then he won’t ever leave this room before tomorrow and even then he knew Mikasa would mother hen him until he listened to her every demand.

“Eren, this is serious! What if it was a brain bleed? Your dad was a doctor; you should know that these things can kill you. You have to start taking your health seriously.” Armin stepped forward and stood next to Mikasa. 

When they both looked at him like that with those large imploring eyes which are always able to reflect every emotion they were feeling Eren felt disgusted with himself for not being honest.

He took a breath and sat down on the bed which was directly behind him, Mikasa now towering over him, her grip never leaving his shoulders. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do, because both their faces twisted into more concern than he thought someone was capable of.

Eren didn’t want to do this, he could feel the tiredness catching up to him and seeping into his muscles, but he refused to be weak and held back by something so stupid. He was going out tonight to enjoy the last get-together where everyone can enjoy a meal before he was forced to face whatever his father had hidden in the basement.

So he lied.

 

XXX

There was nothing left to do. The titans were gone. The gates opened forever. The threat gone for good. People were rejoicing. There were celebrations everywhere. The streets were filled with crowds getting drunk on the old king’s private reserves which Historia saw fit to give to her people on a day like this.

The day humanity took back its freedom.

Eren sat on one of the many winding staircases which snaked through the city. He was alone, with only the sky as company. The city’s lights were what kept the stars away from view, so he didn’t even have them to look at. He could hear the cheering of a crowd from a few blocks away in one of the mainstreets. 

Most people moved the celebrations down to the waterways. Eren even saw a couple of people jump into the water. Some sort of symbolism that they wouldn’t need to escape the titans by boat ever again or something. 

He would have appreciated the quiet the forest had to offer, but he was exhausted and walking all the way back to the stream seemed like an unreachable dream to him. So he sat. 

Footsteps. Then someone lowering themselves next to him. Eren didn’t move to see who. But then he spoke and Eren found the strength to look over. 

“You know, brat, that if Shitty Glasses finds out you snuck out just to come sit on some filthy ass stairs, she’ll have your head.” Levi looked as well-groomed as ever. His hair combed perfectly, his cravat pressed and pristine. His black jacket draped casually over his shoulders to keep away the slight cold of the approaching winter air. 

Eren especially admired how Levi’s pinstriped pants hugged him in all the right places. 

Oh dear Lord, he can’t get aroused right now. Damnit.

Eren took as deep a breath as possible. It was shaky and it hurt his teeth when his lungs filled up too much, but at least he could muster up a reply. 

“I’ve been in that room for three days. I think I, of all people, deserve to join in on the celebrations.”

“if ‘joining in on the celebrations’ means you sitting on shitty bacteria infected walkways where you can get sick, then I don’t think you have the right idea, brat.”

“Oh yeah, and what do you think would be the right idea?” 

Levi was silent, but Eren saw that small smile on the edge of his lips. Eren’s excitement grew until he was squirming.

“How about I take you back to your room and show you?”

Fuck

 

XXX

 

It’s been a month since he and Levi celebrated the victory of humanity in their own way. It’s been three weeks since he saw Levi and Hanji and Armin – who went to explore the world beyond the walls while he was stuck in bed, most days too exhausted to even lift his head. 

Eren was ever thankful for Mikasa and her refusal to leave his side. She was the one who was there to give him an ice cold bath when his fevers got too high. She was the one who washed him, dressed him and changed his sheets. The first few days Eren had refused such treatment, but as the days dragged on, he became weaker and it became harder to stubbornly refuse help.

In the end it took less energy to just agree to Mikasa’s gentle treatment. 

She often sat with him during the days and nights, sometimes teaching him how to sew, something – Eren realized – Mikasa had taught herself years ago so she could keep her scarf in good condition. He ended up pricking his fingers more than actually stitching anything and gave up to spare himself the humiliation. 

Mikasa, not perturbed, started bringing Eren books from the newly erected public library. It was one of these books that Eren read that reminded him, in a way, of how things were before the end of the war. It was about this horse who was forced out of where he was born, torn away from his mother and forced to work day and night just to survive. He was almost to the end of the book when he remembered: Levi also had a stallion – black and beautiful. 

Mikasa was with him in the room when he suddenly stopped reading. She looked up from where she was busy ding touch-ups on her scarf when she sensed something wrong. It was so sudden she hadn’t expected it at all. 

Tears dripped onto Eren’s legs and he hiccupped, forcing air into his lungs. Mikasa was up and at his side in a flash. She pulled him close and hugged his head to her breast and combed her fingers through his hair. “Shhhh. Tell me what you’re thinking, Eren, please?”

He turned his head and pressed his forehead into her collarbone and cried harder. 

“Come on, love, what’s wrong?” Mikasa pressed him tighter to her. She felt how he was unnaturally warm, even for a titan shifter. “Eren, are you in pain? Is it your head?” She felt her heart shudder at the thought of seeing him bleeding again. 

Eren struggled to get his breath under control. Mikasa felt how his back heaved with the struggle and she closed her eyes tightly to force her own tears away. She had to be strong for her brother. She waited until he was ready to talk; his hair slid between her fingers as she kept scratching his scalp.

“I-I… w-what if…” Eren pulled in a breath with the same amount of effort as pulling teeth, “What if,” he continued, “I don’t see Levi again b-before… before I…” He dissolved into puddles again.

“Oh, Eren,” Mikasa took his head and pressed it onto her. She moved her hand from his hair and to his back where she started rubbing comforting circles. Without even registering she was doing it, she started oscillating the both of them.

“In the b-book, the horse… he, he never s-sees his mom ag-again and his friend is d-dead and h-he is alone. H-he’s alone.” 

“Shhhh,” Mikasa kept rocking Eren, her eyes stinging suspiciously, “that won’t happen, Levi is coming back and Hanji is out there right now working on some medicine for you. They’ve got Armin. He’s so smart, there’s no way they won’t come back without a cure. Eren, you’re not going to… you’re not.”

It didn’t take long before Eren tired himself out. His breaths were fast and uneven. Neither of them moved. Mikasa kept rubbing his back and he clung to her shirt, until his eyes closed and he slipped into sleep.

She held him long after he fell asleep, still rubbing his back, more in an attempt to comfort herself that to comfort her sleeping friend. Her brother. Humanity’s savior.

“You did everything for us. It’s our turn to take care of you now.” Mikasa whispered as she lowered Eren back onto the bed and adjusted the pillow under his head. She got up to go get the washcloth and cold water. 

Eren was always worse when he tired himself out. But she’ll be there the moment his nose starts to bleed. To help him. To wipe away the shadows of his sacrifice.

 

XXX

It was three days later when Mikasa was forced to leave Eren’s side on orders to collect intel from Outer-Wall-Affairs that Eren sat up in bed with minor struggle. His arms shook as he pushed himself up against the headboard and his breath came in heavy when he finally settled. It took a few minutes to collect himself before he got out the notebook and pen he had stashed away in his room and started what would be the first entry of his journal.

At first he wrote about his emotions: how frustrating it was to be unable to even go to the bathroom on his own, how he struggled to sit up on his own, how he would struggle to breathe just because he talked too fast or too much. Then after he had written his heart onto paper, he moved on to writing what his life was back before Mikasa lived with him and his parents. 

He wrote about everything. How he met Hannes one day while fighting in the streets, how he saved Mikasa, how Armin saved him by telling him stories of the world beyond the wall, about how he was depressed that he would never be able to see that wondrous world, about how his mother would scold him for his ambition to join the army, how he would later scold himself for being unable to save his mother when the titans came, about how he joined the army anyway despite his mother’s wishes. 

About how he and Mikasa and Armin snuck out one night while they were on duty to get drunk at a bar in a seedy part of Sina. About how he drew strength from Levi and his eyes that were able to penetrate walls stronger than the ones they were locked behind their whole lives. 

About how he fell in love with Levi when he woke Eren that one night and took him out of his shackles, back when he was still supposed to be in the dungeon, just to take him up to the roof to look at the stars without city lights ruining the view. How Levi told him he was sorry about kicking him in court. 

About how Levi protected him from their own squad when they freaked out over a simple unplanned transformation involving a spoon. About how Levi trusted him before Eren ever trusted himself.

Eren wrote until his hand was cramped, the ink was gone and there was no more space on the page or stories to tell. After, he closed the book, wrote a name on the front and hit it inside his pillowcase. 

Mikasa retured to find Eren asleep, his hands smeared with black ink that she had no idea where it came from. She simply pulled the blanket up higher from where it slipped and bundled around his waist and tucked him in.

The day after she would relay the good news once Eren woke up: “Yesterday when I was gone, I got word that Levi Squad would return by midday. Armin is with them.”

Eren cried tears of happiness.

XXX

Levi stood in the doorway, just looking at Eren. His beautiful Eren. He hadn’t seen him in a month, two weeks and a day. His throat closed. Time changes everything. Eren had lost so much weight and muscle mass. For someone who was skinny to begin with, those extra pounds mattered a lot. His skin clung to his bones like tissue paper and the healthy bronze tan he had was missing in the absence of proper time in the sun. 

There were dark circles under his eyes, which Levi was all too familiar with, and his cheek bones were so sharp they could cut marble. A tidal wave of regret washed over him for leaving Eren. He was so caught up in his pursuit for a cure – with helping Hanji and that smart boy Arlert – that he neglected the one person who mattered to him the most in the world.

Right then he was grateful that Eren was asleep and unable to see the absolute shameful tears collecting in his eyes. Some hero he was; humanity’s strongest and he couldn’t even save his love from self-destruction.

Levi abandoned the doorway, closing it behind him as he walked into the room. He unbuckled the 3DMG and undid the cape. He neatly folded it and placed it on the chair that was next to the bed. After getting rid of all the uncomfortable clothes all that remained was his undershirt and his underwear. He didn’t even lock the door, but he didn’t care who walked in, he was going to lie next to Eren and hold him close, like he was supposed to do since his love became sick. 

Slipping in next to him, Levi wrapped his arm around Eren’s waist and pulled him close so his back wsas up against his chest. So Levi could feel every breath Eren took. One arm around the waist he moved the other up Eren’s chest and let it rest across his heart. The rhythm was erratic and off beat. It was there, but it wasn’t right. It was unhealthy. Unnatural. It made Levi sad. 

He held Eren close, buried his nose in the brown hair, breathed deep, and waited for him to wake up.

 

XXX

Eren was cold.

XXX

Eren was too warm..

XXX

Eren felt a hand in his hair, but was too tired to see who it belonged to.

XXX

Someone was talking to him. Someone with a beautiful voice. He thinks it’s a dream. Eren was back in the stables. It was night and the dram was full of excrement and it smelled awful, but he couldn’t have been happier, but why?

“In my worst moments of… in the chill of London winter… dreamed of standing in the cool waters… meadow with my friends…”

The voice was soft and gentle. Eren looked over a stable door. On a stool in the dark was Levi. He had a book in his hands. He squinted to see who Levi was reading to, but only saw a broken mirror on the floor at Levi’s feet. The voice continued:

“… as if we had never been separated… would grow old together… safe… good home… were happy again… rest of our lives…”

The voice stopped speaking. The Levi on the chair closed the book and stared down at the mirror. Eren watched from the other side of the door and made no move to go in. It was silent for the longest of moments. Eren was starting to feel sleepy – he had been cleaning stalls, he thinks, and looked at the half empty dram piled with poo. Maybe if he just sits down, leans against the door and closes his eyes, he might have energy again – and the tiredness would go away, along with the awful smell and the darkness that was barely being penetrated by the lantern at Levi’s side he used to read with. 

Maybe he could just… Eren felt his eyes slowly hood.

Then he saw movement from inside the stall. He watched with half-open eyes as Levi’s shoulders shook, how his hands tightened on the book. Eren blinked lazily and wondered why Levi looked so sad. The book he’d read for the mirror had a happy ending. The horse got to see his mom again, his friends. Why was Levi sad?

Eren felt his arms protest as he unlocked the door and walked over. “Wha’s wrong?” He asked with a yawn, hand barely coming up to cover his mouth. The Levi didn’t respond. Eren was unbothered. He lowered himself to the floor next to the stool and sat in silence. They sat. The flame from the lantern flickered and grew smaller as the oil started burning out.

Levi’s shoulder’s kept shaking. The book slipped from his hands. Fell to the floor with a thump. The lantern sputtered. The light went out. 

XXX

Levi found the journal by accident, when they were clearing the room. He had been folding the sheets and putting them in the laundry basket for washing later and moved on to the pillow when the notebook fell out. At first he was confused. Had Eren… 

Levi swallowed before continuing with that train of thought.

Had Eren put one of the novels there so he could get to it easier when he wanted to read? Closer inspection proved wrong. There was a name on the cover. His name. In simple writing he recognized as Eren’s. His throat clogged and he his legs collapsed. Levi landed on the bed. 

He stared at the cover – at his name in his lover’s handwriting. It had to have been an hour, because Armin came in, eyes red-rimmed, to take the laundry basket. The blond saw Levi sitting there just staring at a notebook, but didn’t comment. His blue eyes, which Levi had learned how to read through their years fighting together as soldiers, shone with a question that will not be asked. At least not now. Nobody wanted to talk today. Today was a day of silence. So Armin took the basket and left without a word.

Eventually Levi lost the staring contest with the cover, and cracked it open to the first page. There was a poem. But Levi knew Eren and knew he was no poet. At the bottom there was the name of the artist. 

He took his time reading it, then read it again. And again. But even the fourth time he read it, it didn’t make any more sense than the last. Why would Eren choose this poem to be written on the first page of what seemed to be a journal he had written in his final days (if the wonky writing was anything to go by)?

XXX

Levi read the entire journal. Cried. Read it again. Dissolved into hysterics. And went back to the poem. He still didn’t understand. Passed on the journal to Mikasa. Three weeks later he would see her pass it on to Armin. Armin wasn’t seen for two weeks, but his safety was assured by Hanji, who knew where the boy was hiding. Processing. As he had done. As Mikasa did. 

About a month later there was a knock at his office door as he was busy with paperwork Erwin forced down his throat (“Stop slingering around bars and get your act together, humanity needs strong leaders to look up to in these tough times”). Levi needed something to cling to.

“Come in.” He ordered, despite being busy.

He looked up. Arlert was standing there. Eren’s Journal in hand. His body froze. He waited in silence for the boy to speak, because he sure wasn’t able to.

“I figured you’d want this back,” He began in a soft, trembling voice. Levi stared. Armin cleared his throat. Stepped forward. Put the journal on top of all his paperwork. Turned around to leave. Levi stared at his back. He stopped. Turned around. Looked Levi in the eye and said with the greatest amount of sadness he had ever heard:

“I don’t know if you know – about the poem – but I did some research. And… it makes sense, put into context. I… uuh, I – left notes on my personal interpretation as well as copies of the research I did inside with the poem, if you want to…” Arlert looked at his feet, nodded, then left.

XXX

Levi read the poem.

XXX

He felt cold.

XXX

He felt hot.

XXX

Levi understood.

 

XXX

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> For interest's sake:  
> The poem is "As Jy Weer Skryf" by Ingrid Jonker (A South-African poet) a singer made a song of the poem if you're interested in listening to it: "Chris Chameleon"
> 
> I discovered this quite by accident while messing around on YouTube one day, I liked the beat of the song and googled it, there is an English translation of the poem if you're not like me and actually speak Afrikaaaaans but are interested in it. There is also an explanation of the poem, so if you are really curious you can go ahead and make y'all beautiful assumptions.
> 
> Just realised that my google works on a different server and that not all search engines might have the translation, so I'll just go ahead and type the whole thing down for y'all:
> 
> If you write in your diary again  
> Remember  
> To see the golden leaf in the summer  
> Or maybe the blue Moederkapie  
> On one of our absent walks  
> Against Table Mountain  
> And what my blood mixed with the blood of  
> The sun at night in Lisbon  
> Carried like a mirror  
> And I wrote to you  
> On the open page  
> Of my sadness  
> Your unnamed word  
> If you write again in your diary  
> Remember  
> To see in my eyes  
> The sun I now cover forever  
> With black butterflies


End file.
